I´d be free to tell her so many things I am angry about or hurt.
It would be so great, I think.

As it is rightnow, I feel like, I zone out my mother I don´t really let her see me and pretend she´s not really there, even when talking to her.
I don´t know why. I just can´t connect to her.
Not connecting though, feels weird, and cuts up a connection to myself too, does that make sense?

Anyway, if I could just speak my mind to her, I´d be afraid she´d say that it wasn´t true what I said, that I lied, or that it´s my fault or that she´d hurt me in another way, attacking me in a way that crushed my self-confidence or feeling of being loved even more than it already is.
So I just shut up.

Speaking my mind would help though I think, feeling real and connecting to myself.

I´d really like to do that. If only I didn´t have to be afraid. Or at least that I could feel so secure that I´d know I could handle whatever she´d throw back at me.

I´m a little embarrassed to say that I think deep down I already feel that:
I am bad and nobody loves me. She has an immense power over making me feel even worse about it. And that would just crush me, I couldn´t take it..

Can i still do it??