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Old Nov 10, 2012, 02:19 PM
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Open Eyes Open Eyes is offline
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,289
Well, Hellion, and others here, the lost feeling, "I don't know what I want anymore" is common for those that struggle with PTSD. And that is all connected to "feeling so unconnected and overwhelmed".

It is also "normal" to not really be able to "self identify" as well, because that cannot come until "the pile of confusion" is sorted through, and each person is different depending upon what history they have that has resulted in their PTSD.

It is "ok" to be confused, it is actually "normal" to PTSD. But that doesn't mean that the person suffering is forever doomed to struggle like this.

I think of where I was last year, well, I was completely "derailed" and confused. I spent a lot of time here at PC and I had a tremdous amount of "empathy" for others and I spent a lot of time making efforts to "problem" solve. I seemed to be able to "help everyone" but myself. At the same time I was doing a tremdous amount of "research" on PTSD as well. I was also drawn to anything I could "learn" about the brain as well. I also found a need to find a way to "discribe" PTSD constantly. My brain was truely working "overtime" in trying to understand "why" I was so challenged.
LOL, I was not "just" doing therapy, I brought in many different articles and information to my "therapist" to discuss.

If you notice I have my "mood" as being "frustrated", I have yet to change that.

My therapist told me that many of his patients come to him to be spoon fed and they "depend" on him from one session to the next that way. However I am not like that, I was attacking it, pulling it apart and actively and even agressively learning and doing my homework. But there were many times when I was truely "exhausted" by it.

My therapist kept telling me about the "stages" and for a whole year I was squarely in the first stage, which is the hardest. Yes, it is a very "lost and far away place for a while". Now, I am "squarely" in the second stage which is "mourning" but I still have times where I fall into that strange "spin" and feel overwhelmed, but not as bad or as many days. I can "see" where I have "gained" now, whereas I could not see it before. I am on "no" medication now, whereas before I was on Klonopin. I chose to wean myself off the Klonopin and try to "battle the anxiety" on my own. I have noticed that I am doing better at that, I still have some difficult days, but I have more days of "feeling balanced" than I have in a long time.

I still have "strong reactions" to certain situations. I allow myself to "express what comes forward". And it has been very "helpful" doing that here because I have come to realize that, yes, there can be a strong "urge" to express at length sometimes. When I express it and then calm and revisit it, I can see whatever I might have not been able to "consciously control" at the time. The "healing" always "comes" "after" with PTSD.

A challenging part of PTSD is what I call the "pop up" responses where I get triggered, and anger comes forward or some kind of "strong feeling" comes out. I have "learned" that when I allow myself to "observe' and "pay attention" and trace it back, I always make gains. I just made a conscious decision that when that happens I would not let myself feel "bad" or "embarassed" about whatever comes forward. And once I pay attention and see what it was all about, I learn from it and "validate" wherever it came from and it "really helps".

I have realized that I have had a lot of things that hurt me in my life.
I never realized that I just storred so much and it was going to come back out like this. I have a "lot" of anger I never dealt with as well and I realize that it really "is not my fault" either.

I talk about "self love" and that is "so important" in working through "PTSD". One of my constant utterings was/is "I am sorry".
I have realized that I have to stop appologizing for having a challenge that is really not my fault. As I remind myself of that, I also remind others as well. Feeling safe, is more about "gaining and feeling safe with self" and "settling into self and giving self permission to keep growing and learning, "in spite of whatever bad, was, its or will be".

Open Eyes