As I have written a few times on PC today, the last few weeks have been hard on me emotionally, because I have managed to fail at everything that I have done or attempted to do, and today it is coming out full-force. Yesterday, I bought some books to read, and when I started them today I found that I can’t seem to understand them, and my tolerance for my stupidity and incompetence is near its limit.

Although the last time I SI was in March, I not only feel the desire to SI right now, I feel I deserve to be punished and hurt for my incompetence, which is the nature of my extreme perfectionism. It’s not just a coping mechanism, I feel I should do it. All these failures and losses are unacceptable of me. How stupid and worthless must I be?

People tell me I am intelligent, lovable, and that I am not a failure, but where does this fanciful assessment come from, because all I see is failure, rejection, and loss? Where’s the success? What have I succeeded in?

If I am not a failure, how come I can’t make friends? How come I can’t understand these books? How come I fail in school? How come I fail at chess? I fail in everything but I am successful, wonderful, intelligent, and lovable. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense…

I feel like I am a failure and that I am worthless, unlovable, and repulsive.

I hate who I am. Why couldn't I be someone else?