Gismo,

I started writing in my journal in 2002 that I had a problem with alcohol and that I'd stop drinking next weekend, and then next weekend would roll around and I wouldn't drink Sat.during the day but by Sat.night I'd be so deep into withdrawal that I'd always go out and buy a bottle just to stop the shakes. I really really wish that I'd gotten help back then, becuase my problem only got worse.

It was 2006 before I sought help, and by then I was totally physically dependent on alcohol. I'd wake up at 2 in the morning needing a drink. I'd need a couple more drinks before going to work in the morning. I absolutely needed my 5 pm drink, before I was in any shape to make dinner, if I remembered dinner. The rehab they sent me to, didn't detox me properly and I had a withdrawal seizure and put my head through a wall - not something I recommend.

I didn't manage to stay sober - I wasn't ready to commit everything to it yet, and I eventually lost my job. Landed up in hospital, for a particularly nasty withdrawal which led me to thier rehab which was a concurrent disorders rehab, which is what I'd needed all along, and I followed that up by an 8 week stint on a psych ward. That was in 07 and I view 07 as the start of my real recovery.

I've relapsed a bunch of times since then, but I can honestly say I've been sober more than I've been drunk since 07. But each drunken episode has been worse and more costly finally costing me my last job in 10. I've been unemployed since. I had to give up my apartment and am now living in a sober living place and going back to school full time to retrain, and finally feel like my life is back on track.

Don't follow my example.

The other thing I want to say, is I don't believe in tapering, which is what your T is suggesting. The thing is, once any alcoholic has any alcohol in their system they crave more. It's a biological fact.

Talk to your concellor about quitting outright. You may need a medical detox to help you detox safely. That could be inpatient or out patient, but they give you meds to help you with draw safely and make the withdrawal less unpleasant. It still sucks, but it won't kill you. The alcohol is out of your system completely in about a week, and you have the chance of a complete fresh start.

That's when the real work begins. You need to find sober friends. You need to find activities to take up the time you used to spend drinking, you need to find new non-alcoholic drinks to enjoy, you need to change your thinking. In short you need to learn to live without alcohol. Personally I use AA and find it very helpful, especially in the beginning. I also use the Women for Sobriety program. I've taken up knitting. I've met a bunch of people through AA and reconnected with non-drinking friends I'd lost contact with. It is hard work, but it's so worth it.

You need to make a decision about if you want to stop and really want to do the work that goes along with it. And the first step is to stop drinking, safely, period.

Good luck.

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