|
I'm alone now im my room at home... ive already been my parent's room and saw the tangled up sheets in the hospital bed, a place where my father lied for almost 5 months... that day he got the call.. new years Day... 1997, you have malignant melanoma skin cancer, 6 months to live, etc.... HOSPICE... PARALYSIS,....HALLUCINATIONS.. but no it goes way back before this illness... before you got sick Daddy, when you would beat us with your belt, drunk on whiskey, WILD TURKEY, feeding it to us, forcing us to drink it as a shot before bed, flashbacks to scary nights with my eyes closed hugging stuffed animals, thunderstorms and mom's not home because she works 3rd shift... she doesn't know about the wild turkey nights, not until 20 years later... 25 now, this occured before i was 10, in my dissociate fog, of youth, of innocence, my life, and my purity taken from me by a caregiver...
and then you ask why you think i killed this man? with my HATE and RAGE i did.... emotions so strong they took his ability to walk and form complete sentences, vibes so strong they emanated from me into him, making it hard to look at him or even be around him in any capacity...
follow me to age 9 when my mom's father, my grandfather Ted, killed himself in the washer room behind great grandma's house... follow me to the silence our family dealt with as we all stared at the pink elephant in the living room with duct tape on our mouths, uncapable of speaking to one another about simply important subjects of life, love, death, and worth....never taught any of that. ... never had a parent, practically orphaned at birth, left to be taken care of by my father until he died, then MANY caregivers, babysitters, friends friends, etc, taking care of me and my sister, can't remember them all, flash backs flash backs flash backs....follow me past those 5 years of silence and torture, loneliness while being alone, injuring myself on purpose just to have a reason to cry... follow me past that to age 15...when i got mono and was sick myself for 3 months, the hate and rage already killed my father and it turned inward, slowly killing me... follow me to age 15...
__________________
|