New T/xT,
I had an insight today that feels more scary than enlightening. My paranoia is increasing and it happened at work. I was feeling good about helping another person. She was having a difficult time emotionally, and I helped talk her.through it. She has never been in therapy before, and I helped her accept her own emotions and validated them. I was.thinking about it at home and a perceptual shift occurred that was both ungrounding and terrifying. This is humiliating but I then thought that I wasn't really helping her, but that she knew I had issues and I really wasn't helping her, she was helping me. It's like I am unable to be in a role where I am the knowledgeable one, where I am not the 'needy' one without completely doubting myself. I believe in Jung's approach where the content of the delusions are telling, I just don't know what it is telling me. I felt so good when I was helping, like that was the real me, and now I have to go and ruin it by being delusional. I also am paranoid that my xT is out to get me, to psychologically terrorize me. I know.he.wouldn't do that, but the paranoia is there.
I now know that this isn't new, that my relationship issues might partly stem from this paranoia. I know in the past at work it was a huge contributor. I usually love insights, but this is disturbing. I am coming unglued.
XT,
I need to know that you at the very least aren't trying to hurt me. Please, please help me with this.
NewT,
I can't delve into my past at this time. I am too unstable. I hope we can work on me trusting you, which will help me feel more grounded and not send me into insanity, so I can work on being ok during the week without you and hopefully experience success. As terrified as I am right now, I am trusting you, trusting that you will help me. I am respecting your boundaries in spite of my difficulties. I am counting on you not to be perfect, but to care enough to want to help me.

I couldn't do this with my xT, although I wish I could have. He has been a huge contributor to my healing, and to me having the knowledge and ability to tolerate what my task at hand is now. I wasn't able to be as objective with him, altho I think we both wanted me to. I thi.k he was right, I did want him to be more.than he.could.be, a father. He was there for me when my parents died, he was there for me guiding me when I was a caretaker. He taught me how to trust, and we had many times where I felt connected but not enmeshed. He was responsible and professional and never called in sick. I challenged him and pushed him and he did the same for me. For the most part, we both grew from this experience, which imo, is what therapy is about--the relationship where two people interact, grow, change, and learn from each other. It has been difficult for me, but in truth he was everything that I wanted in a therapist and more. I hope he doesn't hold it against me that I wanted him to be my father, if I could have chosen, he would have been. That says it all, how I felt about him, how I feel about him. I never expected him to be perfect, and I regret how it ended. I regret that my rage was focused on him, he didn't dismiss deserve that. I didn't know I would end up here when I started this post. I feel relieved, I finally am able to remember the good times, which outweighed the difficult times. I want to carry him with mw for the rest of my life, he was such a positive influence. It was time for us to part, any interventions he tried were.felt.too much as rejecting, it was.too painful for me, but I couldn't see that at the time. I worry about him and his current stressors and truly wish him peace. I miss him and am thankful for him.
I am also thankful for my new T, who doesn't know what he has gotten himself into, lol. I feel like he will also be able to help me, he seems to be very kind. I probably have alot of.typos bec. I am typing from my phone.