Friends. Never something I've had a lot of. And I just realized that I spent the entire weekend essentially in my room. OK, I've been sick with the flu, so maybe I can convince myself that I'm not a complete and total loser. But no calls? And this is really just one of many, many weekends that I spend completely alone, even when I'm not sick... and that I don't think I've had anyone call me since I moved here...

This is one of those times where I feel like I've been lied to by everyone. It seems like if I put in some effort into making friends then I should get some kind of result. Three years ago my Agoraphobia/Social Anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even get the mail. Now I'm living in a completely different country, on a completely different continent, going to bars and concerts and cafes and traveling all on my own, talking to all the people I can. Probably not as often as other 20 year-olds, but still. However, I can't help but wondering: what was all the stupid work for to cope, manage, and even overcome some of my anxiety when I still have no friends? And all the years of therapy, and being told that there's nothing wrong with me as a person, and I was perfectly likable, but a person can't have friends if they never leave the house. But after all this time, and still nothing's changed... I can't help but to feel that I was unfortunately right all along, that there is just something about me that is completely detestable, and this is why I was so anxious back then--why go out when rejection is inevitable and so humiliating?

I'm just so tired of working all the time, and this is something so many others seem to do almost effortlessly, yet I have struggled so much; I can remember when talking to the clerk at the grocery store was such a big deal, when such a social encounter had to be planned days in advance and that would be the only person I'd talk to for the whole week... and it is still such an effort, every day... But what does that matter? And why did I have to pay these therapists to tell me lies for 3 years, and worse, to even start to believe it? How could I be so stupid?

I'm sorry for the stupid pity party, I'm just so frustrated, and I suddenly realized that I'm just as lonely now as I was then, and am terrified of that loneliness, of that hell I put myself in back then... I talk to people, meet people, yet still have no one I can call a friend... Maybe I just have to stick with the therapists and accept that I must pay someone to be a friend to me... Too bad I'm totally broke.