MATERNAL TOUCH

Unwanted identities:
1. Sexual – of, pertaining to, or for sex
What does this perception mean to me?
I do not want others to sexualize this need.
Why is it so unwanted?
People sometimes perceive this need as sexual and judge it negatively.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, Mom, previous therapists, friends.
2. Peculiar – strange, queer, odd; uncommon, unusual
What does this perception mean to me?
I don’t want people to think I am weird.
Why is it so unwanted?
Weirdness as defined by abnormality causes most people to shy away because they do not wish to be perceived similarly.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, Mom, T, friends.
3. Untouchable – vile or loathsome to the touch
What does this perception mean to me?
If I am untouchable, I must be undesirable. If I am undesirable, I must be a lesser person. A lesser person is worthless.
Why is it so unwanted?
I don’t want to be perceived as lesser, worthless, a pariah.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society.
4. Needy – in a condition of need or want; impoverished
What does this perception mean to me?
Needy equals weak.
Why is it so unwanted?
I do not want to be seen as weak.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society, parents, H, friends.
5. Pathetic – causing or evoking pity; miserably or contemptibly inadequate; worthless
What does this perception mean to me?
If I am pathetic, I must be undesirable. If I am undesirable, I must be a lesser person. A lesser person is worthless.
Why is it so unwanted?
I don’t want to be perceived as lesser, worthless, a pariah.
Where did the messages that fuel this identity come from?
Society.

Shame screens:
1. Move away – I do not allow most others know that I have this need. I hide it.
2. Move toward – If something occurs in a relationship that causes me to think this person may be amenable to meeting this need, I will hint about it until I am reasonably certain the person will meet it. Then I will ingratiate myself toward that person with behaviors that will please the individual.

Critical awareness:
1. What are the social-community expectations around desiring maternal touch?
That an adult shouldn’t have this need. It should have been met in childhood.
2. Why do these expectations exist?
American society as a whole is becoming self-protective, litigious, and prone to labeling. Labeling pathologizes anything that is not seen as “normal”.
3. How do these expectations work?
Using subtle cultural signals that adults shouldn’t have many needs in general, much less needs labeled as “childish”. Touch between adults is highly sexualized.
4. How is our society influenced by these expectations?
Unless in ritualized greetings, acts of comfort, or to signal sexual desire, adults tend to maintain a hands-off approach with other people. Any other type of touch is pathologized as abnormal.
5. Who benefits from these expectations?
The sex industry, unscrupulous lawyers, mental health providers.
6. If someone perceives me as having these unwanted identities, what will happen?
Probably nothing, because I am likely blowing this need out of proportion. Judgmental people may judge me, but why should I care what a judgmental person believes about me because it would be highly unlikely that I would want to be around someone like that.
7. Can I control how others perceive me? How do I try?
I cannot control what other people think. Even though I know that, I still attempt to do so. It’s futile really and a waste of time.

Reaching out:
1. Who are the individuals and groups who form my connection network in relation to my need for maternal touch?
H, PC forum.
2. Who reaches out to me with empathy and support?
H, T, PC forum.
3. Who are the individuals and groups who form the shame web around this issue?
Mom, T, society at large.
4. When I see people who are struggling with the same issue, do I reach out with empathy or do I insulate myself?
It depends. It is easy on the PC forum because I am not face to face with people there. I really haven’t encountered anyone in my real life who has expressed the same desire.