Hello all,

I'm a 32yo WM. Former US Marine (how I picked my name) and now an out of work RN.

I was diagnosed as BPII about this time last year, after attempting suicide.... I've got a REALLY long back story....

I come from a family that has mental illness all over it. Father's side of the family are all raging alcoholics. Mothers side is co-dependent and possibly bi-polar. Father most likely was born with FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) as his mother was always drunk. He is a VietNam veteran and has serious untreated PTSD. Did I mention he is a MD?

I was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but fought the diagnosis. I had my father telling me "You're not crazy" and "You don't need the meds".... Thanks Dad.

I grew up with very few friends, and most of the ones I did have, I fought with and self destructed the friendships.

I joined the USMC because I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, and I thought it would make my father proud of me.... Didn't work. I was "ONLY enlisted" and not worthy of him....

I only dated a few women until I met my wife. She told me she loved me and that was it. I fell madly in love with her.... Not because I actually loved her, but because she loved me. That was something I don't think I ever really experienced before.

My marriage was very much like all of my friendships before. I was very self-destructive and we fought constantly.

Because of her love and understanding, I managed to finish two, four-year "hitches" in the Marines. If not for her, I can honestly say I would have wound up in the "Brig" or dead.... I was NOT a popular person.

I was forced out of the Marines after 8-years, because of my craziness. I couldn't get promoted, and if you don't advance, you're out. I got out and after spending time in the University for Pre-Med, I decided to become a Nurse.

Turns out its a profession I love.... Too bad I can't seem to keep a job. I was just fired Sept. 24th because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. I made an off-color joke to the wrong person and was cranky with a patient's daughter.... My fault entirely. This is the 4th job I've lost in the last 5 years.

Back to my marriage.... Sept. 11th last year, I figured out my wife was having an affair with a doctor at work (she is also a Nurse).... a Female Doctor. FML. I loved her, and told her I didn't care. I told her I was willing to "pull a Heinline" and have her Dr. move in with us.... That I could share her.... Yeah, right. She said she was just sick of my craziness and that she had to leave.... With our three sons.

After a month or so of begging and pleading and trying to get her back by any means I could think of, I lost it. One morning, we got into a fight. It started as me trying to keep her quiet but ended up not so good. I guess I just couldn't cope with her leaving.... Yeah, I have issues.

She bolted out of the house. I went to the kitchen and got a 10" carving knife out of the knife block..... I tried to get her to help me kill myself. She just looked at me, horrified. I took the knife and and tried.

Like I said, it should have gone right in.... I should have bled out on the spot. Instead, the knife bent in three places, like an accordion. Someone upstairs likes me.... or doesn't. Just depends on how you look at things.

That bought me a long weekend in the Psych ward.... Always fun to be a patient at the hospital you work at.... I had to tell my story to all the doctors who heard I was there and came to see me.

4 felony charges later, I pled down to one count of misdemeanor "simple battery" and have just over a month left on my probation.

My ex and I are in a nasty divorce. Believe it or not, I'm REALLY worried about her.... I'm afraid she is on drugs. She lies to everyone all the time and drops the kids on me without asking.

Last weekend, I had what I can only describe as a "Panic Attack".... I was anxious, jumpy and felt like my mind was going in a thousand different directions at once. I was cranky and had to keep away from my sons so I wouldn't snap at them. It made me realize just how bad life with me was before I accepted the diagnosis and started taking the medications.... I used to be like this all the time!

More to follow.....