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I know it's hard but you can't play the what if game. There's just no way to know and carrying around that nagging doubt does you no good at all. You don't control other people or the universe. I've had two people close to me commit suicide. I talked to my sister the day before and she sounded fine. I drove myself nuts replaying our last conversation trying to figure out if I missed something. Was there something I could have said that would have made a difference? And a really good friend of mine. We were supposed to hang out but I had to take another friend to the ER by the time I got to call her I got no answer and thought she went to bed. Found out the next day she had committed suicide. What if I'd remembered to call on the way to the ER? What if I'd called and said meet us there?? But you can't think like that. You just can't it will drive you crazy. Grief counseling helped me to let go of the guilt and quit playing the what if I'd...self torture game.
It took some searching because I'm not a religious person and wanted a secular group. If you are religious then groups and counseling are much easier to find. Most are free or run on donations so cost shouldn't be prohibitive. I wish you the best of luck. I truly hope you find a way to let go of the doubt you have.
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