Life I find boring. Rather, MY life I find boring. Have for years. Always find myself confused in trying to connect with 'the norm'. I was never encouraged to think outside anything other than a rigid lustreless box, too small to move in. I have no interest in attempting to build now what should have been in place during my first two decades. The plans for that kind of architecture weren't available then and surely not now. They are not. Old dog.

I have to adapt...not change. Maybe the guilt will lessen with that approach. Judas friggin' Murphy...the math involved in that approach is no stroll either. Answers...why the #@!! do I need answers? I walked out of my high school finals in front of everyone after writing my name at the top of the opening page. I'd like to do the same with this. Tear my 'lessons' into pieces and walk the rest of my days not carrying this load of shite-bricks that's dogged me since I was a child.

What else can I do but hammer out a quasi-therapeutic rant once in a while until I find a way to shred the mysteries? I haven't the foggiest how to do it. Why am I continuing to poke at this kb? For an ear? No ear has an answer either. For my ears maybe. No...I'm deafened by the roar of emptyness. The hell with it...I'll think about it all later.

Old dog. Looking for the warmest corner and the easiest path might be all there is left. I don't relish that thought. Still enough of me left to realize that isn't preferable...as realistic as it might be. I'm not THAT tired yet. Yet.

Oh...the easiest path is no veiled reference to 'stepping out'. It just means giving up and finding as safe and as comfortable a place as possible until this mortal coil is put down by a demise other than my own hand.

Wish I had been better educated y'know? I wish that a god.damned lot. Wouldn't have been in such vile circumstances so many times. Yeah...well...it was all boring. #$##@!#!!!