It's never been easy to talk about deep subjects with her. I'm afraid if I sit down to talk to her, I'll fall apart like I've been doing so often lately.

I'll be a big, blubbering, crying fool. I hate being vulnerable like that.

It could go a few ways.

a. She would get mad and tell me what a failure I am right then and there. (I can't handle that right now.)

b. She would feel some compassion and realize I'm going through a really tough time, and just let me know she's there for me emotionally. (That would be nice, but it was what I was hoping for a few weeks ago when we sat down to talk, and it didn't happen.)

c. She would take control, sell my house, tell me to move into her house, tell me I need to make a plan. (I'm not sure how I feel about this. In a way, it would be nice to be out from under a house payment each month. She's rarely at her house because she's with her gentleman friend at his house all the time. But it would be weird to be living in my childhood house again.)

A counselor-type person I've been working with off-and-on over the last couple of years has told me several times, "You've got to feel to heal."

I haven't let myself feel. Not until these last few weeks.

Now I'm crying nearly every day. It just pops up. Tonight, I was opening the freezer to get ice cubes and started crying. No rhyme or reason.

I've been close to telling her what's going on a couple of times.

If I keep it all inside, I'm going to explode or have an aneurysm or stroke or something.

Just need to think this through.