Hey River,
I get how difficult i can be to finally trust someone and then feel like they have abandoned you, and the feelings about just wanting to be done, that it isn't worth it...i get those too....so try to believe me when I ask you to just hang in there. take a step back and look at your options. if you no longer can trust your T and you do not want to try to get him to understand your position, that is completely understandable...Sometimes matches that we think are good are not, so something you could consider is trying another T especially if you dont think you can trust your current one anymore. But you can try to work through this stuff with your current one honestly, telling them how this broke your trust, etc. sometimes people screw up in relationships--yes even Ts...and it takes time to get one "perfect" and sometimes you dont need to throw in the towel but try to correct what went wrong. either way, I know you are struggling right now...and that you want to SI and end a lot of things...but you have made it so far, please keep fighting to the part where it actually gets better. as far as the meds making you feel not like you, have you ever discussed the possibility of trying a different kind or dosage or anything like that....you need to find the type you find most comfortable and effective for you...but listen, your dignity is never compromised...and those that you are working with dont see your dignity as compromised, im sure. You are strong because you are fighting and communicating and that is so important. if you would like to talk please PM me. Your not alone. Take care of yourself, everything that we struggle through makes us stronger.