I understand completely...I was at a very high point a few days ago, to where I was able to get up, clean the house, cook some food, run some errands, and I felt normal...but it only lasts about a day or two, before I am sinking back down...and it feels like you are trapped and drowning and wont be able to climb back out...I totally understand how that feels....and its good you joined! It has helped me so much to hear other stories that I can relate to...
I can't really help in any way other than being here to say I read what you wrote and wish you the best...but as for the kittens, try not to worry...I have raised litters upon litters of kittens, and even though it snows outside in the winter...cats are crafty, and can instinctually find hiding places, and ways of keeping warm and finding food. If that doesn't ease your mind though, try setting up a little makeshift shelter for them in your backyard...maybe you have an empty bin and old towel or blanket laying around that you can put out, with the occasional table scraps? (no bread though, try to keep it to meats and dairy if need be). Feel better!