So... I'm 21. Never had a pap smear done before...Nothing like that. The only time a Dr had to go "down there" was when I went to the hospital as a kid because of a yeast infection.. and I bawled my eyes out in panic. My mom had to be there, I outright refused a male doctor, and still sobbed while the female Dr examined me. Ugh. Flashbacks of that. Not fun. ;-;

I went through some sexual abuse when I was 3-4...and it's never "left" me...I briefly touched upon this with my T but we haven't gone in depth yet, trying to get anxiety under the control first..

I thought I had 'overcome' it but in reality I just pushed it away for years.. Now I have to face one of my worst fears regarding medical decisions and I have no clue how to handle it. I just started seeing my PCP and I've only seen her 2 times so far, today being the 2nd. First was to review lab tests and get referral for T, 2nd was to follow up on another test and then decide what to do from there.

I'm getting put on BC pills to help manage my weight and menstrual irregularities, and she mentioned that she's going to have to do a pap smear within 6 months. I freaked. She tried to tell me it's not painful, everyone has to do it, you'll be fine. I just shook my head- she doesn't know about the CSA. I don't know how to tell her. I don't know how I'll be able to handle the exam safely. I'm scared to lose it in there. I'm going to break down, I know i will. I did it when I was a child, I'm even more sensitive now emotionally because I'm not really emotionally stable lately. I'm terrified. I don't want anyone down there. I even had trouble with my BF during intimate times- which has only happened a small handful of times within 2 yrs.

I need help on how to safely talk about this without breaking down into a panic attack. How to get through the appt. I don't know what to do. ;.;