Ill start this off with i think ive been sad or depressed for a while. I remember really thinking about dying when I was 15 or so. Mainly cause i was bored and stuff i guess. Ive never wanted to kill myself just to die. I think killing yourself is weak and pathetic. What i mean by just to die, is that i would like to be killed in some random accident or health episode.

Now why i am sad. I dont know. Ive noticed myself as being a different person for awhile. I am a very uncaring person to others. Ive only been close to one person. She moved away though. I think it is very hard for someone to get close to me, essentially because i manipulate people. Everything that anyone knows about me might or might not be true. Also, I cant be nice to people. It just feels so weird and uncomfortable to me. That is unless the person is my girlfriend. I dont know why this is maybe the way i was raised. I never had any traumatic experience or anything, just my family is sarcastic and what not. No one ever talks about feelings ever. If someone does, they are often made fun of. Unless its the parents.

ive been able to live with everything before relatively. Now ive ran into some health issues making me crippled. I use to be an avid exerciser. That was one of my ways of stress relief. Now i cant work out. Things begin to pile on. i ve begin to really hate people. Before i thought they were relatively stupid and a small annoyance. Now though, most people are just stupid. Then dont remember anything, nor do they have any common sense.

One other thing contributed to me being crippled. I lost almost all my hobbies. Instead ive replaced them with drinking. I am kinda drunk right now. I drink almost 3 times a week. I cant stand when im sober. i know thats bad but i cant stop and there are two reasons that i can think of for this. one, my roomates. They are constantly drinking. Not only that but they love me being drunk. two, like i said i cant stand being sober. i am addicted to being drunk.

One other thing to note, i am weird (at least as i can see from others) when it comes to girls. I have never looked at a girl a thought man id love to have sex with her or something like that. everyone i know constantly thinks that. Every girl really just looks the same to me. I mean i can understand how people might think someone is attractive. I dont feel anything for them. also ive never had a sexual fantasy or anything. Ive been told that that is wrong.

I dont know what wrong with me. I think im just kinda weird. Anyone want to help?