I don't want to do life anymore. This isn't a suicide post its just how i feel. I don't want to be here anymore because the pain is too much. I pray for death. I feel its the only way i'll be at peace. That may sound crazy but thats how i feel. People say its the depression talking. I say its just reality. My life is so messed up and i don't see how it can change for the better. I'm not young, i'm getting older and i just see things getting worse. No one can tell me how things can get better. They just want me to say that i don't want to die. My health issues are keeping me from having a life. I don't have energy to do anything, i'm in pain most days and some of the symptoms are embarrassing so i don't want to be around anyone and i'm afraid to even go out. I feel my depression is caused by the things going on in my life. I am on disability and i'm in my cluttered apartment that i have no energy to clean. I lay in bed and watch tv. I go to my appointments and do errands (sometimes) and that is my life. And when i'm home which is pretty much all the time i have to deal with neighbors upstairs that i think are trying to annoy me enough so that i'll move. I live with bf and we are living check to check and we have no money saved to move. I feel stuck. Im not happy at all with my bf and i have no relationship with my family and have lost most of my friends. Who wants my life? I don't think anyone would want it. I don't have children to live for and i'm getting older. I don't want to go on feeling miserable from the time i wake up until i go to sleep. I don't understand why people like me are still here and people that have everything to live for end up with terminal illnesses or get killed in accidents. I know i sound crazy, my bf thinks i am and my therapist doesn't know what to do or say to me either. I know she is sick of me. She keeps suggesting hospitalization. What would that do? I'd come out to the same life. I know no one here will no what to say either i just felt i needed to just vent.