I've been there. Do you sometimes suffer from bulimia too? I'm no longer doing the rituals of anorexia and bulimia, but think I will always have some of that mindset. I'm already thin, but I feel so much more powerful when I lose a little more weight. I think you can free yourself from this, but always be in some sort of recovery. I'm so sorry you have to give so much of your life to this. I hope that your return to work will go well.