No longer will I be a prisoner of my mind.I'm going to take control...no more demons,no more darkness.I'm going to enter the fight of my life,I'm going to take control.Its time now to achieve my goals and be for the first time at peace with myself.All this with the help of my nemesis-Bi-polar-the foe.I'm 45,and am now ready to take control.
My darling of 19yrs,1yr ago this month lost his father to cancer,he was his right arm,and I said youre coping so well how are you doing it?he replied you have to think about it but not for too long and force other thoughts in.That is the wisest thing I've ever heard and it applies to life in general.
Diagnosed BP type 2(although research and questions to the on line doc indicate I swing from 1 to 2.undiagnosed ADHD but again research,talking to ppl etc indicates with no doubt that too.
I choose not to take meds but I don't recommend this option to anyone- I believe with my history and a lot of thinking about the effects of sleep diprivation I have the necessary blocking tools to use the ups(manic)constructively(to achieve my goals)and rack the demons off for good.
If you believe you can do something your'e 1/2 way there.we all have inner strength and I think believing gives you the motivation to draw on it.We need to think about things but it can be dangerous if fwe ponder on bad stuff- I've only read a small chunk of a motivation book a few months ago-but it so far has made snese,everytime you have a bad negatibve thought ,counteract it with a positive thought,the more we do that the better we feel,and it'll become habit.Lifes so much easier without grief of any kind.
years ago I had a revelation and said to my brother "people can only hurt you if you let them"-meaning we choose to think Oh that hurt-low self esteem craves anything to pull you down(more demons)what a shame I never learnt to put that into practise.
I see BP as light and dark,friend and foe.
I said the other day to partner,the basic instinct for all life on earth is survival-if you or any animal is attacked you fight for life...so when someone tries to end their life they must be ina bad way.When I was 15 I attempted my first suicide.within the next 3 yrs I tried 3 more times(on other story I said over 7 yrs,sorry it was 3).I wanted out and was consumed by darkness(although you put a good faceon) and felt I was at the bottom of a cylinder surrounded by blackness- couldnt see any light.There were good times too-this was periodical.At 18 I made a promise to my poor mum,I'd never try agailn,to which I have stuck too,but oh yeah the dark cloukd stayed-raining often.I was undiagnosed at this time.This year it was confirmed.I will never allow my mind to go back there and I have no doubt for that reason a chronic long term(20 yr)compulsive gambling habit,I handled so well as far as blocking the downs.(pokies only.Poker machines)I'm now 2 and 1/2 yrs post gambler but still cant think about them.nothing on this earth came close to the high,but with every up there's a down and gambling creates a sh_t life,trust me.I know now the BP was sustained.Other behaviour in my life now makes sense and sustained the BP and allowed me to keep going on such little sleep,but as all BP's know when you come down,you crash.
This year I finally released myself of guilt(most of it)of how I treated mostly mum and dad too(to a lesser degree)definately had the odd(oppositionl defiance disorder)school was a waste of time(guilt for a coupkle of teacheres too).I was out of control a good chunk of the time.Sad thing for mum and dad(both deceased)were they were fantastic loving supportive parents).I've gone through a lot of jobs due to often probs with bosses,but to be fair I don't think its unreasonable to expect respect when earnt,if I get paid I give 100%.Anyway enough of all that,my goal(never had one before-no motivation-too busy being crazy.LOL.is with my art(believed in it for years now)to make my millions-ok I nearly accept that is grandiose but I say it's only dellussional if it can't be achieved/I'll settle for high triple figured thousands.We want to own a house with a glass(partial)roof so we can see the stars at night.By the time I'm 50 I will have achieved that.People have been blown away when they see the designs so good start.
How?....I can't do this without the mania.It gives me the drive,the means,the ideas the way.The up side of BP I'm going to harness and achieve with,the demons are on there way out.My turn at last for control and peace.enough is enough.
many thanks for listening people,and all the best to you all.