I just hate myself so much. I've had others tell me also that I couldn't of prevented it or have know but I just feel so so horrible and sick. It was my responsibility to protect them and I failed horribly. What's worse it was my husband that caused it to of happened. I get angry at him then I feel horrible about being angry at him. I have no problem at being angry at myself but he told me I'm wrong for being angry at him and I so afraid he's right that maybe I should forgive him but I can't and I really don't want to. What he did was the worse possible thing he could have done to me. I feel like its all my fault because he had slowly become crueler towards me over time and maybe I should have seen this coming somehow but I thought he was better then this that even if he wanted to hurt me he wouldnt of used to animals to do so.
I can't even think about the animals and what happened without totally breaking down. I want to think of them and love the time I had with them so what is so wrong with me that I can't do that? I am so mad at myself because instead of remembering the good all I can think about is how afraid they must of been and how they must if thought I didn't love them and that I abandoned them. I feel so bad it should have never of happened I should of never of trusted my husband. I don't think it's right I'm still here and they aren't I miss them do so much. It hurts so bad. They were so important to me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
I still have my dogs that is the only reason I have made it this long I think. I can't even write this without sobbing I heard this quote the other day it said that if you not careful the thing you love may kill you. I think that is certainly possible.
I will have to go through a divorce and all of this will come up I'm so afraid. I barely survived this I don't know how to get through talking about it in court in front of him and a room full of strangers I don't even know how I can talk to my lawyer about it. I have blocked out so much of it while I remember initially finding out the few weeks following I can't remember well. If I can't write about it without falling apart I have no idea how I can survive a court room. I am talking to a therapist but again I haven't been able to really bring this up and I'm afraid I will totally freak out and fall apart and get sent to the hospital or something.
What is EMDR? It's good to know what your counselor said and that there maybe a name for how I'm feeling