I'll tell you what I did.. I wrote my dad a letter telling him how much damage he did to me by hurting everyone i loved as well as hurting me.

My father was alot like yours.. he was a bully.. intimidating.. using his military training to control us with fear.. only he added the alcohol to it too and that only made him more irrational and unpredictable.

He never really seemed abusive to me though.. not for many years... it was just a way of life for us. He didn't leave bruises.. use fists... he didn't kick us or anything like that. But he did go over-board with his discipline techniques.

So it was easy to grow up believing he was strict and that was all.There was a time when I hated him and what he did to me. I stayed away from him for years, going around only at holidays for my mothers sake..( whom I later developed issue with).

But when he passed away, I wrote him a long letter sharing all of my feelings.. and it was liberating.I don't hate him anymore.I have learned that he was human with his own baggage and abuse from childhood that he couldn't get away from .. he couldn't be the one to break that cycle.

I have also learned that I am not what he treated me as... he treated me badly.. but I am not bad... it wasn't about me or any of the rest of the family..it was his own sickness.

I learned in therapy that I can love the good father he could be and hate the bad one.. and being angry doesn't mean the same thing as hating a person.

What he taught me about myself caused me to be in a relationship with an abusive man for 3 years, and then married to a man that was emotionally bankrupt, leaving me miserable for 10 years.

The way he treated me as i grew up caused me to make alot of very unhealthy choices and I have had to figure out how to forgive myself and him for that.

Hang in there... you are working on it so this is good...

Peace..