Firstly, I am new to this. I have never posted in a forum, much less one dealing with what I have to write. But I feel that I have nowhere else to turn to.

I have never really thought out my life in the past 10 years until just recently. I feel a lot of times like I am crazy and and outsider compared to everyone else I know. I can't understand how people can just be blissful and carefree because I haven't been that way since I was 15 and now I am 25. In an attempt to be as brief as possible, I will summarize the past 10 years of my life and how I feel about it. I really appreciate any help or advice anyone can offer.

I remember the first time my dad told me I was fat when I was 15, my grandmother said it shortly after. I really don't think I was (I was probably like 130 pounds at 5'6). It was no coincidence that I had sex for the first time that same year. The next year, I witnessed a friend's father die in a rafting accident. I was on the same raft as him and I still feel guilty for him drowning and me not. A couple years later I had sex with someone without my choosing. I got high a lot senior year in high school trying to forget that and I would sometimes cut myself.

During my undergraduate degree, I had the best relationship I've ever had (3 1/2 years), but that ended when I decided to go to graduate school 700 miles away. Once I started grad school I slept with lots of different guys, another one during this time not my choosing. I drank all the time. I always did my schoolwork, but weekends were for binge drinking.

At the end of my 3 years working on my two master's degrees, I started dating someone. Three months into the relationship, after him saying "I love you", I found out he cheated on me. I also started seriously doubting the career path I was headed down (which was unrelated to the cheating, but had been developing during that relationship). I virtually stopped eating, save for not passing out, and I binge drank more nights during the week than not.

After graduation, I got a full-time job that is great, but not doing what I went to school for. I feel like a complete and utter failure (not to mention I'm over $70,000 in debt for something I am not currently pursuing as a career path). I am dating a man now, who I think is great, but I know my insecurities get in the way. I feel that I am never good enough for him, never pretty enough, never nice enough, never do enough for him in the bedroom. Aside from how I feel about myself, I don't know how I am supposed to trust him, even though I've told him about my last ex-boyfriend and he understands my concerns. He says he would never cheat on me and I believe it when he tells me, yet I'm always concerned about it.

I've completely given up hope that I have much of anything to offer anyone. I am fine at work and no one knows anything is wrong, nor do my friends, but sometimes I come home and I completely lose it. I will sit and worry and cry for hours. Any time I try and explain this to my boyfriend, he doesn't really understand and he says I worry too much. I either feel depressed or apathetic, and I'm not really sure which is worse. I suppose the apathy and feeling of nothingness beats the feeling of hating myself and my life.