Dear T,

I feel ashamed of what happened in my session this week. I wanted holding hands to feel safe and good, like always. I don't know what happened. I was anxious and embarrassed throughout the entire session, except when we were talking about my grandson.

I hate it that you told me what you saw and felt. That makes me feel so much shame. I don't know if you're correct. It felt like you were accusing me, though I know you just said we have to be "mindful" of that part. You said you are NOT taking the touching away. I know that you will, if it becomes a problem though. I don't want it to become a problem.

I hope that we can discuss what's underneath my fears and my feelings about it. How do you know it's not the infant who wants to be held, and that it's sensual, not sexual? Why didn't you think of that? Why did you suddenly say you saw and felt that "sexual part"? You told me I didn't do anything wrong, and that you weren't frustrated with ME, but with yourself. Thank you for being honest but now I wonder what that means. Maybe you ARE going to take the touching away after all? I know you will only do something if it's in my best interests. So we need to see what happens in future sessions. I am agreeable to do SE with or without the touching. I can always talk about wanting it, and we will work with those feelings. I'm getting optimistic about SE!

Love,
rainbow