Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3
Perhaps it would be helpful to recall that it takes time for people to change. I've learned over the years that it often takes multiple reminders, and many repetitions, to master something new/different. In my observation, this goes for me as well as for other people.
So if I could make a suggestion, it would be to have a plan for when this happens, when your dad doesn't act as desired and hoped.
The plan imho would not include being upset with him, saying that he doesn't listen, putting him in the wrong. It would not include questioning his motivation.
The plan would include reminding him, without judgment or strong emotion, what is important for him to do. Something like this:
"Dad, this is just the sort of situation that we talked about with my T. Please try to remember to do _______. It's really important to me. Thanks!"
|
Trust me, it's the same thing I've been asking my dad for at least 10-15 years. Talking about it with my T was a "last" step rather than a first one. He acknowledged, in T, that he has heard me ask for the same thing many times, and he doesn't know why he "forgets."
It's also a birthday-specific situation. Every year, for my birthday, my dad gets me a gift from my sister's favorite store, in my sister's favorite color. So, when I brought my dad in to therapy to talk about childhood stuff (refer to old post), I explained to him that a lingering feeling I have is that he listens to my sister, he knows my sister, says how much he enjoys spending time with my sister and buying for my sister, he makes an effort with my sister, etc-- in a way that he does not do with me. So, while I had him in T (knowing it was 3 weeks before my birthday), I specifically said "Dad, this year, for my birthday, can you please not go to X store and buy me something my sister would like? I still do not like X store, or X color. What would really make me happy is if you bought me a gift card that I could use to buy books. My sister likes purses, jewlery, etc, but I like books." Also, every time we talk on the phone, he asks me how my "list of 100 books" is coming-- so I thought he was starting to get the idea. Scorpio= books.
So, what did my dad send me for my birthday? A purse from my sister's favorite store, in my sister's favorite color, desinged to carry my sister's kind of computer. I was still polite to my dad but, privately, it really hurt my feelings. Another reason it was so upsetting was because (as happens every year, and I remind him every year)-- X store only takes returns if the purchaser goes, in person, with their ID, credit card, and receipt within 7 days of purchase. This means I cannot return the gift myself. And, since my dad lives in a different state, this requires that I fed-ex him the gift back, and beg him to return it for me, which upsets him. Because of the extremely high monetary value of the gift, it's not logical to keep it to collect dust in the closet. That would make my dad even more upset. So, I spent $70 of my own money--and 2 hours waiting in the line at the post office on my birthday-- fed-exing the gift back to him, c/o his secretary who promised to remind him to return it. This is what has happened every year, for the last 10 years. I just wanted ONE year to be different. But, now, I know it never will be different, so I just have to accept it. Radical acceptance, right?