Quote:
Originally Posted by kyouma
as a kid, i guess i was normal. i was born a girl, had a lot of girl toys. tho i enjoyed playing soccer and later around at age 9 i played at gym class at school, i was the goal keeper. then i started closing to myself, like i thought i was weird, i felt something was wrong... i got into a new school and there it all began to get worse, tho i could talk to people there, i didnt keep in touch outside school. and i started getting more anxious, since i was a kid i would sweat a lot (mom remembers i'd almost fall off my feet for they'd be wet lol) and it started to get worse
in high school i discovered about trans. and i started to do a lot of research on it, and i started to think... so i related to it, i really do feel like i'm male, thinking of my childhood makes me confused but i only started to feel good about myself when i started thinking of myself like that, and got proper clothes for example.
once my mom told me: i'm never going to shop in the boys section with you. haha
well, today i'm seeing a therapist to try to get a treatment to change. i want to take testosterone, i wear man clothes (and have some trouble with it because i dont have much money, never had patience to shop too, stuff like that) and have cut my hair short for a couple of years now. i'm turning 21 in november and i hate when people ask my age (or when someone i know, as my parents, tell my age to someone) because i really dont look so, i look like a 14 year old boy lol and i always get troubled to say my name to new people too.
plus, my parents are religious, and they keep thinking back of my childhood, they say i am living a lie. i had a lot of trouble til they accepted getting me into therapy (he's speciallized in sex theme, you know?) i guess they accepted it because they believe he's gonna change my mind
|
As you now know, your gender identity is not something you choose. Its not a mental illness or shameful. It doesn't surprise me that you didn't notice that you identified with males rather than felmales. Before puberty starts, with their clothes on, kids look pretty much the same. There is some bias in each gender, "kooties", things like that, but so far, no real transition of child to young man or woman.
Once puberty sets in, someone with gender identity disorder starts to feel the pressure. In your case, FTM, you probably really didn't care what the girls were doing as far as rites of passage, makeup, boy chasing and whatever else they do. You probably wanted to keep playing with the guys, but they were starting their own rites of passage and wanted nothing to do with you as just one of the guys. They might even have thought you were a strange girl. That leaves you in nowhere land, confused and wondering what is wrong with you.
Its not unusual for people not to realize that they can do something about having their physical gender changed. No one really talks about it except if they are insulting someone or joking around. T.V. shows across the board portray transgenders as weird, psychopathic or sex fiends. Its not about sex. Its about gender and there is a difference. The fact that you may be attracted to girls is secondary. There is more to gender identity than sexual preference.
If you believe you are a transgender, you need to find someone experienced in helping transgenders. Not all Dr.s are, and they can do more damage than good. There is a process you need to go through before starting hormones or having surgery. Sadly, insurance still considers gender identity disorder a mental illness. Your brain went one way and your body another. Having your body transformed to fit the way you feel is a great relief, but it will take time.
There may be a transgender support population near you that will be able to send you to someone who specializes in it. Find an online group near you (there are far more than people would think), and see what they can offer.
Sam2