Hello all, I know I haven't been on here in awhile. I also realize that button is kind of posting about the same thing, so I don't want to steal your thunder/hijack your thread .

Anyways, my T and I have gotten over the whole emailing too much debacle. However, now we have another problem. T has been suggesting I see a p-doc for some time now, but I have always refused for the same reasons as button: scared of side-effects, don't want to mess up my brain, don't want to be a zombie, etc. I also don't want to get into the habit of taking a pill every time life gets hard.

SO I do not think my problem is so much being depressed; I am not the happiest person in the world or anything, but I wouldn't say I am chronically depressed. However, I am very very anxious. So for example, I have just started a new job, where I am in charge of this project, and I keep feeling like everyone at work hates me, I am doing an awful job, I am in competition with my co-worker, who is so much smarter than me, etc. It got so bad that on Monday I bought a flask of gin at work, went to the bathroom and drank it to get rid of my horrible anxiety and feelings of stupidity. I was quite drunk the rest of the day, but thankfully no one noticed. When I told my T this she freaked out and insisted I see a p-doc. I finally relented and told her after Thanksgiving I would give her a list of p-docs who take my insurance to see if she knows any of them so I can make an appt. I told her the only reason I am doing this is so she can quit bugging me and we can stop spending whole sessions arguing over this.

But, I still really don't want to do this. A big part of hte reason is also insurance. I financially can't afford to pay more than 20 for p-doc and prescriptions, and I am worried about my insurance company paying for p-doc, prescriptions, and therapy, especially because I recently found out they don't want to reimburse September's bill because they say there is no diagnostic code on the bill, which isn't true. I just feel like the less I have to deal with the ins. companies the better, and with getting a p-doc and paying for prescriptions, I feel like I will be dealing with them more and possibly having to argue with them over paying for T. I also really, really do not want any side effects like weight gain, sleepiness, etc.

The other thing is, is that my T doesn't seem to understand my concerns over money. She acts like my insurance company will definetely pay for it, even though she is not the one dealing with them, I am. I mean, she doesn't even accept insurance for sessions, so how would she know? Also, I am on my parent's plan, and I am sure they will see that I am seeing a p-doc, and I do not want to explain that to them. To me, it is just another headache/problem that my T wants to add onto my plate, but I have feeling she will not stop talking about this until I see someone.

Anyone have some advice?