hi. i'm new here and this is my first post. i am at the end of my rope and i know something is wrong with me, but i don't know what it is or what to do.

okay, where to start....i feel dead inside. i guess that is what it all boils down to. i am just not happy and i don't feel alive anymore. i feel like somewhere along the road, i changed into this empty, sullen, serious person that i hate. there is something seriously wrong with me and i am tired of ignoring it or trying to cope with it.

let me back up a little. i used to be a very happy go lucky person. i have always been a somewhat shy and quiet person, but still very involved in things and pretty outgoing with many friends. i was generally happy in life and felt comfortable with myself and my personality. i had a vitality and a spark, was full of love and life.. but somewhere along the road, that changed. i cannot remember when it changed, or what could have possibly sparked it, but i recently woke up to realize that for the past year or so, i have not been 'myself'.

i am anxious all the time. and i lost all of my friends because slowly, one by one, i just stopped communicating with them. i felt too tired to call or too lazy to pick up the phone when they called, and then i would get anxious that too much time had past since the last i talked to them, so i would be too nervous to call again, and when someone would call me, i wouldn't answer the phone. i felt too nervous to go to any social functions because i wouldn't know what to say or do to defend my antisocial behaviors, so i just didn't go. these things formed a vicious cycle or avoiding people and eventually, i woke up one day and realized i didn't have any friends left. and i can't make any new ones, because i get too nervous to attend any functions or visit with people long enough to get to know anyone or make bonds with people. i wish this had never happened, because i long for those friendships that i have lost and i long to form new ones with people who understand me.

i work as a manager, and it seems that i can put on the outgoing front at work because i have to. i can make small talk with employees and do my daily activities, but i hate going there. i have absolutely zero desire to even be a part of this job that i used to love. i don't care about my work and put forth only enough effort to keep me from getting fired. but the front seems to work because no one there notices that i might be having a problem. of course, no one there really knows me because no one there has attempted to make friends with me outside of work.

even aside from social activities, i feel dead. i used ot have such a lust for life. i was interested in so many hobbies and activities and enjoyed doing things that mattered to me, such as writing and art. but now, i am too tired to do anything. when i am not working, i sit at home and do nothing. i feel too lazy to go to the gym, to paint, to read a book, to do any of the things i used to love. i just don't care anymore about anything. the only things i do when i'm not working are the things i have to do so that i don't disrupt my husband's life- housework, cleaning, laundry. i make myself do these things so that i don't negativelly affect his life.

i know what you are thinking..'have you talked to your husband about this before?' to a certain extent, i have. he can tell i have changed over the past year. i am not the happy, outgoing, exuberant, interested person he married four years ago. i have turned into a serious, anxious, irritable, tired person who doesn't care about anything and does nothing except the daily routine. i am someone who gets zero joy out of life and cannot tell tell him why. he has asked me what's wrong so many times and all i can tell him is 'i don't know'.

and it'snot that i appear this way on the outside all the time, either. i was raised to always be polite and have manners, to always be socially correct in public. so when i am forced to be in a social or public situation, i make it work on the outside. in daily life, i just appear to be a normal polite woman who has a successful job and a great husband. but on the inside, i feel like a hollow shell of a person i used ot be.

i feel like i am babbling right now, but i really just had to let this out somewhere because i feel like i am at the end of my rope. i hate this feeling and i hate not being me. i hate the downhill spiral that i see myself traveling and i hate that i can't seem to do anything to change it.... i just really want my personality back and i want to feel happy again. i want to enjoy life and i want to feel something and not be so numb. right now, i just feel dead.

all of this rambling, and i still have no idea what my problem is. maybe someone out there will recognize these things and be able to help.

what is wrong with me and what should i do?