Thanks everyone...

((Myself))..yup..your right about the dissociation..self injury..had sessions with the Trauma Specialist and T last night...just wanted to say your correct...but they are proceeding cautiously in this area...

I have bits of recollection of abuse events, but their ceremonies are more indoctrination, and part of the religion itself, and there were no mass gathering of abuse situations which occur in some cults..but more of what has been brought up in the papers with certain religions..knowing, allowing, then hiding the perps..type of issues..

I can say because of what happened..I have a warped sense of what God is and isnt..because he used that during the ick..the bits of ick are just statements I hear in my head..playing over and over..and body memories..and gaps of ick..sexual abuse survivors know what I am talking about..and I wont go further on "R*ping a Child"

but stuff like "Luv me", "Luv God"..type of statements were used, and have not been able to seperate any feeling other than luv for the person who did this..because this is broken into parts.. started right after I lost my father when I was about 6 and may have contributed to amnesia of that event..dont know..havent been there yet to know how that got filed..so now when we are working in therapy...its hard for others to understand..its not that I dont need to feel the horror and pain, anger toward what happened..because part of my healing will be able to do this..its just because his use of God at a time of innocence, when he placed "Father" in his statements and threatened to take that away if away if I told anyone, which has all been revealed as we peel this apart like an onion..is placed out of counscious processing different levels..you may be able to explain the BASK model better than I Myself..but its a part of that..

How can you teach a child about the concepts of love, faith and heaven then..crap..take it all away because of some carnal desire which he believed was his God Given right to act out..

What he did was beyond wrong, what my mind/body is doing is screwed up..Half the time I think I am going to hell for just talking about it, the other half I am already living in it so whats the difference...oh poop...sorry..

I have a part of me that wont allow the "Luv God" issue to be seperated from what he did..that is what is so screwed up..

This perticular religion like most has had their day in court settling with survivors of this type of ick..but I am not mad at them for what one person did..what irks me is their ability to cover up, use the indocterination,intimidation, and yes even "God" to continue to silence victims..oh its so hard to explain..unless you have been brainwashed by one of these organizations on what is happening..it can make you feel guilty about feeling anything other than utter blind devotion to their way of doing things..so bad that..even when you know its wrong its not..and now that I am suffering so in Recovery...I would still want to go back to it...almost mimics the abusive marriage I stayed in for so long..its the unfamilar which torments..to not know control is to be in chaos...

Thanx for letting me talk about it though...I really think its a core issue, since I cant even enter a church without being Triggered and hearing things..statements, images..

On the cliff when I was 9..now that I understand more of what is going on..we have worked on the memory part of this, it was after the Abuser pushed me away from him, afraid I was going to expose him, he was going into the room with another little girl, much younger, so on the cliff with a childs mind..I was going home to be in heaven..afterall I had kept my promise not to tell..he would keep his promise to luv me..if it wasnt for those ppl screaming at me I would have walked right off..because of what I now know about dissociation..I wasnt there, I was back in the place he had put a part of me..the part that knew only God's luv for children..and I needed that more than anything else..is is so sad that these Abusers dont know what they do to a person's soul as well as their minds..