I am at a loss. My husband can't seem to make me happy lately. He feels everything he does is wrong. He would be right to feel that way, as I have been treating him that way. he can say the smallest thing, for example, his work schedule changed, and I get so mad and blow it way out of proportion. I explode at him and before I know it, I have twisted this small issue so much that I don't even remember what triggered it and it's too late to take it back.

I know on the inside as I am freaking the f out that I am being completely irrational, but at this point I can't stop. That reasonable voice inside is drowned out by the fire breathing dragon. However, some of my recent complaints have been valid things that would annoy anyone. I just don't know how to stop once I start. It seems like this is happening on a daily basis. He even went as far as to say that he was tired of the abuse from me. That made me feel like dog crap on the side of the road. I make myself sick sometimes. I love him so much and I am so sorry for how I treat him. I never want to become that person. I am so tired of hearing my voice in my head! Anyone else ever feel like that?

With all that being said, I have tried to reach out to him and help him understand me more. I told him a long time ago that I was hard to be with and that he could get out before it got messy if he didn't think he could handle it. He said he could and that he wasn't going anywhere. I know that making that statement doesn't excuse my behavior in any way. I just don't want him to stay with me out of guilt, or because he doesn't really "grasp" how I terrible I could possibly become.

I have tried to tell him a few triggers that I have, and that yes, he causes them. He has tried to change a few things, but it really seems like he makes an effort for a day or two, but then goes back to his old ways and then sets me off again. I need structure and organization in my routine and household for me to be stable. he is total chaos. Like a tornado picking up things and letting them fall where they may. I need to eat and sleep well; he is a co-conspirator when it comes to midnight sweet binges. He never goes to bed until late, and of course I want to spend time with him so I stay up, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening! This is just the tip of the iceberg, but it would take forever and a day to go through it all!