Hi
So much of what you just described hit home with me. I have a lot of the same feelings, and I've had them for some years now.

Yesterday I was at a doctor and I started talking about what was going on, and I've never gotten so much understanding from a person before when I've tried to talk about this. She (the doctor) asked questions that were right on, and I sat there crying, trying to explain how it feels to be me, that something is wrong, I'm not really alive. She made arrangments for me to see a therapist, and when I walked out of that office it felt like there actually could be a light in the end of the tunnel for me. Maybe it's not so hopeless after all, maybe things wil get better, maybe I don't have to feel this way forever.
Go to your doctor, try to explain.
I've tried so long to fix myself, but it's not easy to get out of such a dark place without help. Get some help...
*I wish u the best*