Sigh...after I wrote this I was so wiped out I went to lie down. I had the chills and I know when that happens I can end up having this really bad flashback that I really don't like and just have to be careful. But I only had a short time to rest because my husband came home and he just doesn't get it. He snidely comments how he wishes he could get time to lay down etc. And that just triggers me more because I am trying very hard to "not show how much I am struggling". There is no way I can tell him things either, he won't get it at all.

Before I wrote my last post I got a call from my sister about the holidays and she doesn't get my challenge at all, it is all about "her" challenge and as always me being "supportive" and "can't say how I am challenged" and now it is very strange. And I spent time with my daughter yesterday taking my Mustang to the barn she has her horse and I was really worried all day about how my Mustang would handle the electric fence system there, as far as I know he has no experience with that and in my past I had to deal with getting a horse all tangled up in an electric fence around it's legs free. Ofcourse my fears and concerns are "invalidated and "don't want to hear it" is given to me. And there was not going to be anyone there if he did have a problem, that made me anxious too. And my daughter doesn't get what I have either so again I have to try hard to "hide" it. The Holidays are coming and I am not looking forward to the challenge either, I really don't do well and no one gets it so I feel like I am hiding and that brings on some troubling memories too. Sigh...I just want to not be on a "constant" train like I have been, it just gets too challenging and exhausting. And I know this doesn't have anything to do with politics either. I guess I am just trying to express challenges I have other than that somehow, but I am realizing there is too much to explain and this will end up being a novel. Sigh...somehow I thought if I did that it would help my brain feel a release somehow, so I could get together the energy to go and do my chores on the farm, I am so behind there now.

I am just jumping the rails right now and need to get back on the track.