hi,

i'm just finding it really hard to stay positive at the moment...
i'm coping with my anxiety disorders..
i seem to be staying away from the abyss that is depression..

but, i live with my dad who has severe, Narcissistic personality disorder... that
comes with malignant traits..

and just recently i have begun to wonder about my mother... as she has some very strange; ways of being... that aren't very wholesome..
and frankly if my mum, is not the person i thought she was; like my dad.
then i am one lost individual.. - as i have put so much precedence in my parents way of being/doing things... that - i don't have much asides from..

my only sibling is RIPE with NPD.... - well and truly..

^and i know... it appears that i think everyone has NPd... but i don't...
i went through that phase... but sadly it does seem to be heavily tied up to genes.... imo.

i'm going to go to the doctor to be referred for more: OCD CBT soon..
but i just feel, kinda cheated...
if my mum is indeed; that way... - then i have had no 'correct' grounding for my personality to develop; so i will be 'troubled' in terms of my view of the world.

and curing OCD or this that and the other.....: BDD, GAD, Panic disorder e.t.c
will be 'bandaid therapy'.... and will not address the main issue.

i just don't want to be 'the bringer of bad fortune/news/feelings'
it pains me to be that guy... and much worse is to see the effect it has on other people ... - but i can't help it.. its my natural inclanation.... i do everything in my power to Not 'lash out' but i'm always fighting an overwhelming urge to do so.

and final disclamer.. i'm not trying to blame all my faults on my parents..
i'm just trying to find answers and solutions in how i can progress forwards.

Ugh