So I have this long term (25 years old) r/s in Europe and I will visit for Christmas. His name is D. We have only been sexual a few times. Maybe 20 times total. But he was deeply in love with me for many years.

Last time, we were sexual when he visited in October. And without condoms. I was OK doing it without condoms because I have an IUD and I had not had sex in 3.5 years and before that I lived in mutual monogamy for 12 years. He is legally married but only seeing his "wife" several times a year and not having sex. Weird, I know. I do not know when was the last time they had sex, but it was a while ago. He is a doctor, namely, a p-doc.

If I could go back to Europe, I would possibly live with him and the biggest issue would be his smoking in the apartment which is something I will put up with for two weeks in this coming winter but not for a lifetime. I certainly would not want to have children with asthma, that is for sure. So that would be a big big problem for me, but faithfulness would not be a problem and I know I can pull off monogamy because I did it - for 12 years. He would just need to have frequent sex with me but with frequent sex I can be happily faithful. Moreover, I would not even demand anything in return - I can understand that at his age he has accumulated some other attachments and am perfectly happy being the main love of his life (I am) but not the only one and if he wanted to occasionally sleep with another woman, that would be perfectly OK with me.

That, if I could go back. I am not going back - I am staying in the Bay Area. So I would spend two weeks with him and then not see him until next time when both he and I have a vacation - he wanted to go to Dresden and to Israel with me, so those would be potential destinations. Unless something else comes up in my life as it might.

It seems selbsverstaendlich that in this scenario I cannot be "faithful". It annoys me to even think that he has this sort of expectation. Plus, we are just very different in this regard. When he visited, he said that the r/s between him and his wife might improve and in that case he would not "work on two fronts". I understand that he is like that; I am not, for sure - I can work on two, three, and more fronts without a problem. I CAN be faithful, but I definitely do not have to. It is not a requirement for me. I actually enjoy the variety. I love all three of my cats for the same reason - each colored differently, each with a distinct personality. I like opening my inbox and seeing emails from different men - what an innocuous thing to enjoy. I have always been like that - since first grade. Always liked being pursued by many boys at once. It really is an innocent pleasure. But enough about that. Last we talked about it, he was terrified that I would get lovers again as I did in the past.

Well, to make the long story short, I do have a new lover with whom I have protected vaginal sex and in December I will reconnect with a very old lover who also was always into protected vaginal sex. So, unless someone completely new knocks on my door, I will have been with two guys by the time I go to Europe. Both strictly with condoms.

What does it mean to me in terms of condoms with D.? Should I put a condom on him? If I do, how would I do explain that I all of a sudden started needing a condom without saying that I sleep with other men? I am in general all for honesty and transparency, but in this particular case I really think I should not tell him that I sleep with other men or he would have a heart attack or lose his erection or both. I should not be brutally honest, I think. I should protect his feelings and sensibilities.

Alternatively, I can be "fluid exclusive" with him, meaning that I would exchange fluids with him only while having protected sex with a number of other men. That would work for me totally fine, but my question is - is it fair to him? Do I have an obligation to have protected sex with him now that I have perfectly protected sex with other lovers?

I am just so annoyed. He clearly has a low libido. He falls in love, he writes good poetry when in love, no question about that, he has deep feelings and all the rest of that, he is probably far superior to me in that regard, but in terms of just pure libido his is low - otherwise why did he marry so late and why did he and his wife never live together even in the beginning? I have normal libido and I need frequent sex. I was able to live alone and completely without sex for so long because I was asexual as a side effect of a high dose of my antipsychotic. Once the dose was adjusted down, I became OK and I need frequent sex. How can you expect a 40 year old woman to have occasional sex only?

I just think that being honest with him would equal being very cruel, and I really do not want that. I want to be protective, not cruel.