I am depressed. What is bad about this depressive spell is that it feels like the same depression that brought me to therapy in the first place. I am suddenly "seeing" the same suicidal images and "hearing" the same repetitive nonsensical thoughts that I did almost 5 years ago. It's like someone hit the "reset" button on my brain.

I know it's probably a side effect of the medication I am on. All anti-depressants have this paradoxical effect, apparently. And even if it's not directly causing my depression, it's doing a whammy on me in other ways. I'm sure not eating very well and sleeping too much is not helping my state of mind.

I keep thinking about how stupid and ugly I am. How embarrassing I am. I know there's something good about me, but it all seems overshadowed by the shameful things.

On an intellectual level, I know it is the medication making me feel this way. But my intelligence is also providing strong evidence that tells me I am indeed a stupid and ugly (inside and out) person. How can I listen to one voice but not the other?

Maybe the medication is making me more aware. It is giving me the insight that I previously lacked. So this is a good thing, right? If I stop taking it, wouldn't that be me choosing obliviousness over reality?

If I tell my pdoc that the medication is making me depressed, he will not believe me. I told him that it has taken away my appetite and he told me I was wrong since it makes most people gain weight. It was such a painful dismissal of something I know to be true. So it seems pointless to tell him about something like this.