Hello,

I'm Shikma, 22 years old female.

(Sorry about my awful English - It's not my first language, I'm from Israel.)

I am so messed up,sometimes I wonder how long I will be able to bear it.

I have eating disorders(over eating {weighted 130 kg in the past and lost 60 kg}, some BPD symptoms, and depression.

Sometimes I feel like I'm such a baby, because I can't deal with life, it's too much for me... I have a lot of things I wish I could do but I am so scared of life.

It feels like I'm so lost.
I hate it. I hate myself, I hate my life. I hate the fact that I have this %#@&#! up personality.

I hate the fact that my life is a mess and I have no idea how to be normal, how to make myself strong and not overwhelmed by everything.

I can't do anything anyway, because I am too scared, so I just stay at the same situation, waiting for a miracle, or the end - whatever will come first...

And there's the food. I need it so badly, and hate it at the same time. Bing, throw up, try to starve myself… again and again and again... awful.

The worst thing - is to be so lonely with it, to sit at home, act like I'm alright, when I just want to fall asleep and never wake up again...