(((Shirl)))

You're right, I'm not quite your age. But I'm no spring chicken either ~ at 42 years. I've been in therapy (with many different T's) for over 30 years now. Yeah ~ my family is pretty sick too. I fight self-hate, major depression, BPD, DD-nos, and PTSD.

The title of your post caught my eye, as it took many years for this fact to sink into my head. I wish that I could feel angry towards my abusers. I can bring up some pretty deep resentment towards my mom (for letting a lot of things occur), but that's about it. To ease my pain somewhat, I did stop all contact with my family a couple of years ago. I told them to just leave me alone until I contact them ~ everyone! It worked pretty well up until this past week, as my birthday came. For whatever reason, they sent a card and my mom called the morning of my birthday.

Ever since, horrible nightmares are back again. Every time I see or talk with any family members, I start having horrific nightmares that wake me all night long. Night after night! Same theme: my mom has everyone on her side & everyone else goes before me.

Gentle hugs to you ~ I hope that you find the comfort and reassurance here on PC. Best wishes to you!