I feel like the worst person in the world.

I am in possibly the worst relapses of depression I've been in since high school. I've been seriously depressed before, even suicidal and hospitalized, but this is worse. No reason to describe my symptoms, it's just bad.

I have no support system. When I say none I really mean it. I have attempted to reach out to a few people but I don't get far. I have no contact with family. I've driven away all of the friends who have mattered the most to me, the people I loved being around, who I felt the most kinship with. I'm toxic--it starts out well but then I cling and suffocate. I don't want to do it, and I know I am, but I just can't beat the thought of them possibly leaving. And when I know that they're starting to think less of me I panic and start clinging more.

I'm scared. I know we aren't supposed to talk about suicide on here and I don't have a means anyway but... I'm scared. I don't want to call my doc because of I get admitted there is no one to take care of my kitties. Even if I could find someone my house is a disgusting mess. And I'm afraid I'll lose my job if I go inpatient. I hatr inpatient--it solves nothing for me. I don't know what to do.