I've been on several different meds for the last 20 years. We're to the point of calling it "treatment resistant depression." my pdoc was going to send me inpatient directly from my appointment Friday, or at least to partial, but I refused. She then suggested ECT which I am open to. In the end, for the immediate time, we added another med which has worked temporarily in the past. I'm just feeling SO bad that, yes, if I had a means I think suicide would be an option. What scares me is that I'm not afraid of it like I always have been. I just don't have the means. (Sorry mods, I'm not going to do it, not advocating, just being honest.)

People may bash me for this but, after 16 years of therapy I am SO so so sick of talking. The only reason I come here is because I feel like if I don't at least type things out I will explode. Like, literally explode and have little chunks of me all over the place. I can't endure therapy anymore. It frustrates me to no end; I feel like a hopeless case in there.

Sorry guys. I called and left a message with the psych nurse that I think it's time to at least go into the partial hosptialization program (which requires time off work, but at least I can sleep at home) and I'm strongly considering ECT. I know you're all here but...this feeling of being torn limb from limb, like something is slowly devouring my insides just doesn't abate. Not unless I drink or take too much klonopin or something dumb. Which is counterproductive.