Hereiam, I had a dad very similiar to yours, and it was very confusing to me also. But you are not alone for both loving and hating him with a passion. He took care of you, but he also hurt you in a very primal way, and the natural response to that is anger.

There were two things that really helped me. When I was at home and the rage overtook me, I screamed as hard as I could into a pillow. The other thing was an anger workshop.In addition to participating, I could watch others work through their anger, support them by my presence, and know that it wasn't the end of the world.

I wish you the best!