Worst things first... I have many chronic illnesses that at 23 yrs old frankly just suck, nothing terminal just painful. Which has bothered me for years... as a believer in karma I can't come to terms with the why me? what have I done to deserve to suffer daily?
Another thing is I have PTSD... though I feel as though I can say I am not effected by my past I suppose no person maintains full mental health after being molested by their biological father from ages 3 to 7.
But when I sink to my lowest I never blame the direction of my mood on those things... its normally brought on by the feeling of utter failure, so much so that I can feel it in the pit of my stomach. When I feel as though nothing I do is what was required of me... that the life I live will not get better and I am destined to skim the surface of the potential for better things.
As a child my mother had looked up to me, due to her own mental issues I was her rock. Imagine a 10 yr old girl having their mother tell you you were her role model? Who was I to look to? Granted she fueled me with so much love I cant ever complain about that. But as I got older and messed up every good opportunity that came my way and failed everyones expectations the pain in my mothers eyes brings tears to mine.
I am the caregiver always the first person to rush in and fix you and your problems and its always because its something i can not do for myself. One step forward to be thrown 10 steps back.
Please excuse my rant... theres so much to say and no guidelines to say them within. I just want to not feel lost. So those moments when I have to myself Im not looking at a life I hate. Or feeling as though Im someones cruel joke.