Thank you everyone for tolerating my angry demand

Sorry so long to respond.

I think that you are all right...I'm just frustrated lately and demanding answers where perhaps there are no easy answers. It's frustrating to have these days where I have difficulty walking/loss of feeling in my legs.

The weakness is more prominent in one leg than the other - I know this because when I was evaluated by neurosurgeon he discovered it - its normally not severe. There is definitely some nerve compression I think, because I get "patches" of skin in my legs that lose feeling - specific areas (like the side of the top of my thigh, for example, on one leg.)

I also have fibromyalgia/M.E., and at points they questioned if I may have MS, but I think we've been long enough since that "episode" to say that I almost certainly don't. I think that sometimes I have so many health issues going on, that when my back also causes issues it is to the point where I'm thinking "ANOTHER thing to struggle through? Ugh, no, this can be fixed with surgery....I want the damn thing fixed."

I believe there is validity to the idea that some of it is psychological. That's something I should really look into. Perhaps I am attacking this altogether from the wrong angle.

Maybe the biggest issue here is that (legitamitely, before I EVER took an opiate drug) I did not have much success with non-narcotics - some, but really not much - and I fear going back to how sick I was five years ago - with both severe back issues post-pregnancy and fibromyalgia first showing up. I fear getting to the point where someone has to help me to the bathroom and that loss of doing things for myself. Maybe that fear is causing a need or desire to "get the surgery" in desperation to prevent a relapse like that - but if we are being honest, surgery won't fix it all, as you have all said.

Maybe what I need to do is address the desperation for a result, and go back to figuring out how to live within my requirements. For what its worth, this summer I did fantastic - and that may be some of the issue. Heck I eve went hiking a few times, swimming, etc, was outside every day...and then in Sept I started having a rough time again.

I know one thing for certain - I am NOT willing to take opiates unless the situation is dire. In severe pain instances, I have worked out a codeine management plan with my doctor where I can pick up only a couple of days worth of medication at a time, and an extremely low dose (15mg, but with no apap as I have liver issues too) - but I've only taken advantage of it probably twice in a year and a half because it terrifies me. I can't ever ever ever ever ever go bck to where I was addicted to dilaudid. I'm just NOT willing too -not when I have gained so much success in my life away from it.

Thank you, VERY much, to all of you, for the gentle reminder that sometimes the fast way is not the best way. <3