Hi all,

I guess i just need someone to listen... I need to feel heard, i guess.

Ive had a tough couple of days-- i think a lot of it is my fault. Part of it is,however, because my T (t who is out of the country still) is out of pocket once again-- the other day when we were supposed to talk, yet another drama occured in her life and she's got that to deal with now. Again. Just when her life was finally calming down and we were BOTH excited because we were finally going to get back on a regular session schedule this week-- its been 4 weeks since we got to talk regularly because of another family drama that was going on.
She has called whenever she can but its been unpredictable and just once in a while (shes as frustrated with it as i am)

Anyway. So its been a while. Internal stuff is building up inside, and i feel like a volcano ready to explode. I have been self injuring a lot...a lot a lot

I am working nights now. Spending my evenings alone. Its a temp job. Its easy. I quit my teaching job when i found out about unethical things going on that i didnt want to be a part of.
So now i am extra lonely. Since i sleep days, i have no time to socialize (not that i have any friends left.)
I used to be a really important person. Years ago. I was one of the most popular teachers in my district. Other teachers were sent to my room, to observe me, to learn how to teach better. i was the head of bunches of committees. I ran meetings. I taught teachers in the summers. Etc. i wore suits (geesh!)

Nowadays, i am lucky if i can get my teeth brushed. I have to make myself change my clothes. I am not important to anyone . Nobody talks to me. My phone doesnt ring anymore. No one comes to visit.
My husband ignores me. He cares more about our dogs than he does about me.
Nothing i do even matters anymore-- i feel invisible. I feel like i could start screaming, and no one would even notice.

I have to keep a big smile plastered on my face all the time. Tonight while i was on the elliptical at the gym, i wondered, am i the only one here right now thinking about killing herself?

Anyway.... Thanks for listening. If you got this far, i could use some encouragement. Just something. I feel so invisible.