Have you ever gone to a pdoc or gotten a diagnosis? Maybe you should talk to a doc. I get what you wrote- totally been there. Analysing- OCD maybe?
Try the meditation, make a box of good memories or just do something that helps.
Olivia is a pretty name... and you can vent like the wind if you want. We´re hear on the other end to help each other.
Take care of yourself,
Mammabear