Just awful..My heart is broken for you..Your feelings are yours and sometimes it is necessary to say them out loud as you have here. I just wish that you have someone close by to be with while you are feeling such pain. Maybe it isn't a good idea to know anymore and cling to the good memories that brought laughter between you and your brother. When cancer memories occur, which is what took my husbands life, i sometimes just fall apart, so I dig deep into the wellness days and listen to our favorite songs and I talk to anyone who is nearby and available for listening. I am sending you hugs and PEACE....i hope you feel em!!!