In therapy my T asked about my mood, as she usually does (I'm not sure whether I've been diagnosed with depression or not) and I told her it had been bad. I admitted I'd had some suicidal thoughts and had a plan and she took it a lot more seriously than I expected. She asked me if I was safe to go home and I was trying to say yes but panicking and freezing up. She told me it was very important and that she needed to hear me say aloud whether or not I was safe. I told her I was because I think at the moment I am.

But it's weird going about the rest of my day, socialising, working, exercising etc when I think I was so close to being hospitalised this morning. It's also scary because I'm terrified at the thought of being hospitalised more than I am of killing myself. I mean if I'm hospitalised I miss a week or so of uni that I can't get back (whereas if I kill myself it won't matter?). I want to talk about feeling suicidal but I think it makes me feel more suicidal and I am very scared of being hospitalised.

(nb right now I am feeling suicidal but not urgently, more a 'it will happen at some point in the foreseeable future' kind of way)