Today is not a good day for me. My depression is getting the better of me. I got a text from my ex this morning saying that 'we are never going to get back together'. This after I was getting ready to write him a letter telling him how much I still love him and that I would go to the ends of the earth to prove that to him. He wrote me a letter the other day saying that I don't know how to love him the way he needs me to. I don't know what that means as I gave him my heart, and I worked everyday to show him how much I still love him. But my heart has been stomped on and shattered and I don't know what to do about it. I know that it is really selfish but all I can think about today is how it isn't worth living any more. I have been through so many challenges over the past year that I am just ready to give up. This divorce is just the last straw for me.
I left my AA meeting early because they were talking about sex and how it impacts your life and how many of the people have been married for 10+ years and how their sex lives have changed over the years because of AA. I just couldn't take it, everytime someone mentioned marriage it was like a knife to the heart. It just hurts so bad right now and I don't know what to do. My housemom tells me that I should talk to someone about it but I don't have the words to say.
Even better is that I relapsed on Friday, and if I say anything about it I risk it getting back to my house mom and then the possibility of getting kicked out is very real. This as I live in a sober living home, so relapse is kind of frowned upon. I mean I realized what i was doing before i finished the whole pint of beer but still. I have no other place to go, and this would really put a wedge in what my ex would allow me to do with my son. As it is he won't let me take him for christmas because he doesn't trust me, even though I planned to take him to my families holiday party so he can see his aunts and uncles and cousins. Not to mention he can spend time with me without his father being involved. I just feel so stuck right now.
My housemom is also telling me I have to do something about my medication which is running out. I tried to get them refilled but the request was denied. I have to get in with a psychiatrist but I have to see what my insurance will allow. I am going to call my therapist today and see if she can still get me into the day treatment program (PHP) but that entails her contacting my insurance again to get a single case agreement (the program and she is out of network), so that I can get into the program. I called her last week and left a message but she didn't return my call. So I will try again today. I am completely out of my antidepressants and have been for about a week. I don't have an appt to see my therapist until next friday, so I am in a major bind right now.
I feel so numb right now, but I feel my broken heart is going to lead me back to the bottle and I am scared of that.