Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.

I remember the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.

Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.

No one is listening until you fart.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

People get really weird when they're all alone in pools.

When Franklin D Roosevelt said " The only thing we have to Fear is fear itself", had he seen a clown yet?

Cybersex is not as easy as it sounds. I should have picked a less crowded McDonald's.

I have always wanted to be a professional juggler, just never had the balls to do it.

You can't force someone to love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

Haven't been on Facebook lately because I've been really absorbed with this Bounty paper towel.

Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night”.

All of these years,................I've watched Arthur and didn't know what kind of animal he was.

My f*cking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am, do you believe that *****!? 2:30!!
Lucky for him I was still awake playing the drums...

I turned my phone onto "Airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.

After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I’m the most interesting man in the world.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It’s too little to go by itself.

Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” I said, “I am.”

I’m not in favor of student loans. I think people should get their own student.

Some people say I’m a dreamer, others say, “If you fall asleep at work again we’re going to have to let you go."