Winging is ok, I think it is. You know lots of christians do wing it. I know quite a few that do, what matters is how you feel about it and if you are comfortable with what you do, say and believe. And God is supposed to be a forgiving God, an understanding god.

I think of few of the rules were bent for societal reasons, not that the god they believe in said it was exactly so. Be the kind of christian YOU believe you want to be, or are. Christianity is supposed to be about your walk with god, personal and private. You and he can define your own relationship. And the others.. can do as they choose, if their "good christian" ways suit them fine, but don't let it weigh so heavily on your definition or relationship with god. You are not nothing, that is for sure. They do say god knows what is in your heart.

It takes time, sometimes lots of time to figure out where what fits and what doesn't in our equations with this stuff. Yeah it can feel like limbo, but I think it's part of the growing process, even if it seems stagnant.. I think it's not.

And I know you already know this stuff, you are smart, you are privy. Just don't want you to forget. And do not want you to feel like nothing!