Moodmuse, I lost my sister to cancer about a year and a half ago. The incredible grief and pain that we all went through in her last year, watching her go through a bone marrow transplant, lose her memory permanently, lose her ability to eat or walk without falling, and finally succombing to pneumonia, was almost more than any of us could bear.

In those last few days of her life, when we realized her death was imminent, and in the weeks and months following her death, I cried so much and so hard in my grief for her loss. I realized during that grieving process, as I watched my family also grieve, that I would never be able to seriously consider suicide as an option ever again.

The pain of losing a loved one was so incredibly overwhelming to the whole family, and this was a circumstance that we knew was coming, there was nothing we could do to intervene, and we had time to prepare ourselves for her death. I realize now that if I were to take my own life through suicide, the pain that would cause the people who love me would be multiplied a thousand fold. I WILL NOT DO THAT TO THE PEOPLE I LOVE.

My sister fought for every day she had so she could be there for her husband, her daughter, her new grandson, and all the rest of us for as long as possible. It would be an insult to her memory to throw my life away when I have options to help me cope with the psychological pain I live with.

I have the support of my therapist and pdoc, medications as an option if I need them. I can go into the hospital if things become overwhelming to wait those symptoms out--because they always do manage to improve given some patience and time. ECT is always an option for me. I HAVE OPTIONS.

I can learn to cope with my psychological pain; my sister couldn't "learn to cope" with the cancer that ate her life away. She truly didn't have any options.

You sound like you need to make someone aware of the psychological pain you are going through right now. Check into a hospital if need be to ride this one out. It WILL pass if you give it the chance to pass. You know it will. There is a reason these are called "episodes". They are limited in duration and we do come out on the other side unless we kill ourselves before we have the chance to get to the other side. Use your options for life; don't allow suicide to even be on your list of options.