i have just found out that my brother has spoken to my dad about moving out. my brother has realised he ought to leave and has been looking recently since our chat.

i was just talking to my dad and he seems a broken man. not about the fact my brother is moving out, but about alot of things. he seems so negative. he was sat in his chair and looked unhappy and talked about what he wanted out of life and i sat there thinking "i want you to have this so much". he said that he hasnt ever felt like this place where we live is his home because my mum use to live here (they were divorced and when she died he moved in to look after us kids). he went on to say the house he lived before having to move here was great. he said he felt like it was home to him and that he hasnt ever had that before, then he had to come here. he talked about moving to the countryside about 20 mins from here and i know he really wants to go there. that was where this house is that he use to live. i know how much he wants it and i will be prepared to move with him just because i feel he deserves to be happy. he has had a life full of heartache and tragedy and i really think its slowly breaking him now.

the only trouble i face now is that a few people who live int hat area know me and know that i was abused, something my dad doesnt know. i dont want to go there because it will be the same old thing...the past tagging on to me and constantly being there. financially i cannot leave home. i would have to go with him wherever he goes for now, but i really dont want to go there. but he does, and i know he deserves it. he is so unhappy here and all i want is for him to be happy after the life he has had.

i just wish i could pay for him to move to where he wants and to be able to support him. it upsets me because he looks so broken and i desperately want him to be happy but i run the risk of him finding out about my abuse which i dont want.

ideally he wants to move south, to a part of england called Devon, it is a fantastic part of the country and i would like to move there too, get a brand new start in life. that way i would have the chance to start all over again with no bad memories surrounding me, or faces that remind me of the life i had back then. there are too many secrets here and i just want them to go away. by moving to Devon i will be given a second chance at life, and so will my dad. but he owns his own business and cant move far away. he is a painter and decorator so his business could be moved but its a risk to take and he has worked so hard for about 15 years to get a succesful business going. how can we walk away from that. i just wish i could be able to support him in whatever situation he decides to take and be happy, but unless we actually move to Devon (which is about 4 hours away from here) i wont be able to escape my past.

because of the fact i want to be a musician and have a recording contract, i kind of want it now just so i could have some money to give him the happiness he so deserves. if i was given enough money tomorrow i would give it to him to give him that chance, but i dont and it tears me up because i know i can make that money but not quite yet. i dont feel pressured or anything, i just want him to be happy and that is so important to me.

im sorry, this might not make any sense to anyone, but after my dad and i had that chat i feel i owe it to him to just make him happy.

thanks for listening.